Movie Review: The Martian

movie_iconRidley Scott wiped the popcorn off his face, scowling out the window at the zombie legion of scientists, engineers and science-orientated geeks who had trapped him in a small bunker.

“BRAINS!” groaned the zombie horde, as they battered at the bunker walls with their clipboards, slide rules, calculators and fetid popcorn.

“What’s wrong with these people?” he demanded of Mary, his assistant. “What do they want?”

“A decent space movie, sir,” Mary said, closing a secure window just in time as a scientist threw a steaming test tube full of dry ice into the bunker.

“I’ve made one,” Ridley said. “Didn’t they see Prometheus?”

“I think that’s what they’re complaining about,” Mary said. “Your fans can only subsist so long on their Blue-Ray director’s cut editions of Alien and Blade Runner. They turned to Prometheus for sustenance, and unfortunately, it appeared to have starved them into the zombie horde we see outside.”

“Prometheus was a great movie,” Ridley said. “It had beautiful shots, splendid special effects and fantastic direction (if I say so myself). Why are these science-types throwing popcorn at me?”

Mary checked her iPad. “It was the script, sir. Apparently, the scientists felt that they were not portrayed sensibly. Such archaeologists blowing up an alien’s head (rather than cataloging it), a geologist with high-tech cartographic equipment getting lost, the team taking of their helmets without proper atmospheric testing…”

“Gah!” Ridley said. “I don’t care. It had fantastic direction and beautiful sets. How do we get out of this bunker, anywhere?”

“Maybe we could promise the zombies a movie with more science, and they’ll back off,” Mary suggested, as the walls continued to break and crack.

Ridley and Mary frantically searched through the bunker.

“Look at this,” Mary said. “I found this under the couch. It’s a book called ‘The Martian’ by ‘Andy Weir’.”

“Does it have science?” Ridley demanded, snatching the book out of Mary’s hands. He flipped through it. “Not bad. It’s about a guy stranded on Mars. NASA is conducting manned missions to Mars, and during a storm, an astronaut gets stranded. He’s alone, surviving on Mars, against all odds!”

“Are there storms of that velocity on Mars?” Mary frowned.

“There will be in my production,” Ridley said. “And there’ll be science stuff in it. We’ll get NASA on board, consultants, you name it.”

“Will there be a detailed emotional development for the stranded astronaut?”

“Who cares about that! He’ll be a funny guy, ready with good quips. He’ll solve problems. He’ll build stuff.”

“What about the human element?”

“We’ll cut back to NASA on Earth and show how everyone’s trying to rescue the guy,” Ridley said. Already he was dreaming of visual angles and matt paintings.

“Who will play the astronaut?” Mary frowned.

“Matt Damon,” Ridley said, distractedly, still thinking about matt paintings.

“But didn’t he do a similar role recently in Interstellar?”

“He’ll all be warmed up for it,” Ridley said. “Open that window.”

“But sir…”

“Open it!”

Mary cranked the window open and Ridley surveyed the zombie horde. “I’m going to make a movie out of this book!” he yelled at them. “Scientists will be portrayed as cool and sensible people. There’ll be SCIENCE!”

“SCIENCE!” groaned the zombies.

“And Matt Damon!”

“MATT DAMON!” droned the horde.

Ridley watched as the horde slowly got distracted, shuffling back to their collectors’ editions of Alien, Blade Runner and Prometheus.

“They’ve gone,” Mary breathed a sigh of relief.

“Then let’s get going,” Ridley said. “I’m going to science the shit out of this movie.”