Movie Review: New Moon

This was a suprisingly entertaining film, my enjoyment greatly assisted by the young ladies in the front row of the theatre who would squeal every time Edward appeared, any pashing or near-pashing occurred or when Jacob took his shirt off.

Following on from Twilight, Bella remains in madly in wuv with Edward, a brooding vampire who’s got nothing better to do with his time than attend high school, again and again. However, tragedy strikes when it’s Bella’s birthday. She’s eighteen and has nightmares about herself being an old woman, while Edward remains eternally young. I feel for you, I really do – eighteen and over the hill already.

At a special party thrown by Edward’s vampire coterie, er family members, Bella has a tragic paper cut! Alas! Blood flows, and Bella is nearly tackled by one of the younger vampires to become a nice, strawberry blood milkshake. Luckily, Edward saves her.

After a discussion, Edward dumps her in a nice forest setting, saying that the Cullens are moving away and that he no longer cares for Bella. He then leaves her, rather inconsiderately, as Bella gets quite lost in the forest. Luckily, a mysterious werewolf saves her.

Bella becomes depressed for three months, which if I interpret the director’s montage scene literally, means that she spent three months sitting in the same chair and staring out the same window, never moving. Luckily, her dad tells her to get over it and so she goes out with a girlfriend to see a movie.

After the movie, Bella is feeling morose and suicidal. She heads towards some bikers, thinking that they could be the attackers we saw in the last movie. Luckily, a strange vision of Edward appears, warning her of danger! Excited by this delusion, Bella hooks up with the bikers, discovering that they aren’t the attacker from the last movie, but one is willing to give her a ride anyway. And then, another delusional vision!

This turns Bella into a sort of B-grade wannabe adrenalain junkie. She finds some crap motorbikes and persuades her mate Jacob to fix them up. He’s become rather buff recently and all. Then there’s a happy montage scene of Bella and Jacob bonding and fixing bikes, which ends when Bella tries to ride her bike without a helmet, excited to trigger more delusional Edward visions. Unfortunately, she crashes and hits her head on a rock (the perils of biking without a helmet.) Luckily, Jacob saves her.

Unfortunately, Bella’s and Jacob’s happy friendship ends one day when Jacob says that he can’t see her anymore. Bella becomes even more depressed, but luckily, it’s a proactive depression where she tracks down Jacob, rather than spending another three months in her montage chair again. It turns out that Jacob is a werewolf! Gasp! And the wolf pack runs around in the forest in their tight board shorts showing off their nicely muscled chests. When I saw the first werewolf in wolf form, I was a bit confused, because it looked like a cross between a bear, a dog and my fluffy cat, Shaam. I imagine it’s hard for CGI artists to find out what canines look like these days.

And there is stuff with the evil vampire, Victoria, running around. And Bella leaps off a cliff, where she encounters a watery vision of Edward and floats past him, like something straight out of an Enya video. She’s about to drown, but luckily Jacob saves her.

Anyway, after some nice buff werewolf moments, we learn that Bella only likes Jacob as a friend and Jacob is worried about monstering out and hurting her if he gets too close to her. And then Alice from Edward’s vampire coterie shows up, and then Edward rings but Jacob answers the phone and due to a misunderstood message, Edward’s going to go Italy and get the Secret Vampire Council to kill him!

Luckily, Alice is good at driving fast sportscars and then they get to Italy in time to stop Edward from breaking the masquerade and sparkling in public. (There was a slight groan from the audience when Edward took his shirt off in time for his sparkling death scene, as his pallid chest wasn’t as well ribbed as old Jacob’s.)

But then, Bella is dragged before the Secret Vampire Council, and OMG, is that Martin Sheen as the head vampire?

Anyway, after some posing and fighting the Secret Vampire Council (that sound English or American rather than Italian, despite Martin giving us a few sentences in Italian) is persuaded not to kill Edward for attempting to sparkle in public and is impressed at Bella’s resistance to their cool powers. Oooh, Bella did something… wait, her passive, mysterious powers did something. Still, she’s getting there. And Secret Vampire Council want Bella to be vampirised. Soon. Alice has a vision of this happening, in a trippy scene where Edward and Bella are skipping happily through a sunlit forest as vampires, as that’s what vampires do, okay? So the Secret Vampire Council let Bella & co go.

So, back to the US, where eventually Edward and Jacob and Bella meet up and Bella tells Jacob that Edward, with his less impressive chest and cold, white complexion, is the man for her. But then Edward throws a spanner in the works by wanting to wait three years before Bella is vampirised. And then he asks her to marry him! OMG! What a cliff hanger!

An amusing and terribly deep film, I’m sure. Three out of five muscular werewolf chests from me.

13 thoughts on “Movie Review: New Moon”

  1. You make it sound almost worth watching. This is not necessarily something I will thank you for. 🙂

    I imagine it’s hard for CGI artists to find out what canines look like these days.

    Werewolves are apparently very hard to do well. Just look at the ones in Buffy…!

    1. New place is going well, although the days are gone when I would happily sweep the floors when I came home at night, rejoicing in the fact that the place was mine, mine, mine… Still, it’s a nice feeling of owning your own place. I just have to work out how to get rich quickly to pay off this mortgage-thingamajig.

      Are you going to Arc this year, K?

      1. Yeah, I get what you mean with the gloss wearing off, as you adjust to the good things about owning your own home.

        Arc is indeed the plan! I just need to be less slack about my entry now. But yes, ARC!

        (sadly, no Conquest, as I’ll be in Perth, which kind of sucks, but y’know)

  2. Not that I care about Twilight spoilers, but you have mentioned to me that you do have friends who enjoy this series of stories. If they haven’t managed to see the movie, yet this post would be a totally, major SPOILER!

    Are you aware of the LJ-CUT feature? I notice that you’ve never used it, but I thought that it might be by choice rather than ignorance. Although… I hate to think that you might chose to be inconsiderate to any who might read your journal and actually care about the spoilers in this post.

    Aside from all that… *giggle* Was this an attempt at scarcasm? (Asks person who often doesn’t recognise that style of humour.) It’s a funny review. Sadly, it has pointed out to me that any interest I might have had in actually going to see the buff werewolves portayed in the trailers to be greatly misplaced. It doesn’t sound like there will be enough werewolf content to justify spending any money on it. Sounds like way too much sparkly vampness and the audience participation would drive me batty.

    1. Not that I care about Twilight spoilers, but you have mentioned to me that you do have friends who enjoy this series of stories. If they haven’t managed to see the movie, yet this post would be a totally, major SPOILER!
      Damn, you stole my thunder 😉

    2. Behold, added cut! I have used ’em before, for example in the Stark Trek review I did a while ago. Usually, with my taste in Z-grade films, normally there’s little point in summarising the plots and I focus on what amuses me about them. In my haste to transcribe the sheer delightful wackiness of New Moon, however, my review did transmorgrify into a sparkling summary. But now the innocents are protected and can sleep safely at night.

      As for the taste in humour, hmm, the overall intention is to be amusing; I tend to think of this stuff as ‘humour’ rather than attempting to classify it ‘sarcasm’ or ‘irony’ or whatever. It’s what I find funny at any rate, although reviewing z-grade movies is sort of like kicking a defenceless duck…

      1. heh!

        Just saying that although I thought the review sounded scarcastic, I still found it funny. I don’t often find scarcasm funny, if I recognise it at all.

        You didn’t spoil the movie for me; I would certainly never have gone to see it for plot anyway. I might have been tempted to impulse shop for eye-candy if I was near a cinema, in the mood for a movie and there was nothing else on that interested me. Now, I know to avoid the dissapointment. Thanks. ^^

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