This was a suprisingly entertaining film, my enjoyment greatly assisted by the young ladies in the front row of the theatre who would squeal every time Edward appeared, any pashing or near-pashing occurred or when Jacob took his shirt off.
Following on from Twilight, Bella remains in madly in wuv with Edward, a brooding vampire who’s got nothing better to do with his time than attend high school, again and again. However, tragedy strikes when it’s Bella’s birthday. She’s eighteen and has nightmares about herself being an old woman, while Edward remains eternally young. I feel for you, I really do – eighteen and over the hill already.
At a special party thrown by Edward’s vampire coterie, er family members, Bella has a tragic paper cut! Alas! Blood flows, and Bella is nearly tackled by one of the younger vampires to become a nice, strawberry blood milkshake. Luckily, Edward saves her.
After a discussion, Edward dumps her in a nice forest setting, saying that the Cullens are moving away and that he no longer cares for Bella. He then leaves her, rather inconsiderately, as Bella gets quite lost in the forest. Luckily, a mysterious werewolf saves her.
Bella becomes depressed for three months, which if I interpret the director’s montage scene literally, means that she spent three months sitting in the same chair and staring out the same window, never moving. Luckily, her dad tells her to get over it and so she goes out with a girlfriend to see a movie.
After the movie, Bella is feeling morose and suicidal. She heads towards some bikers, thinking that they could be the attackers we saw in the last movie. Luckily, a strange vision of Edward appears, warning her of danger! Excited by this delusion, Bella hooks up with the bikers, discovering that they aren’t the attacker from the last movie, but one is willing to give her a ride anyway. And then, another delusional vision!
This turns Bella into a sort of B-grade wannabe adrenalain junkie. She finds some crap motorbikes and persuades her mate Jacob to fix them up. He’s become rather buff recently and all. Then there’s a happy montage scene of Bella and Jacob bonding and fixing bikes, which ends when Bella tries to ride her bike without a helmet, excited to trigger more delusional Edward visions. Unfortunately, she crashes and hits her head on a rock (the perils of biking without a helmet.) Luckily, Jacob saves her.
Unfortunately, Bella’s and Jacob’s happy friendship ends one day when Jacob says that he can’t see her anymore. Bella becomes even more depressed, but luckily, it’s a proactive depression where she tracks down Jacob, rather than spending another three months in her montage chair again. It turns out that Jacob is a werewolf! Gasp! And the wolf pack runs around in the forest in their tight board shorts showing off their nicely muscled chests. When I saw the first werewolf in wolf form, I was a bit confused, because it looked like a cross between a bear, a dog and my fluffy cat, Shaam. I imagine it’s hard for CGI artists to find out what canines look like these days.
And there is stuff with the evil vampire, Victoria, running around. And Bella leaps off a cliff, where she encounters a watery vision of Edward and floats past him, like something straight out of an Enya video. She’s about to drown, but luckily Jacob saves her.
Anyway, after some nice buff werewolf moments, we learn that Bella only likes Jacob as a friend and Jacob is worried about monstering out and hurting her if he gets too close to her. And then Alice from Edward’s vampire coterie shows up, and then Edward rings but Jacob answers the phone and due to a misunderstood message, Edward’s going to go Italy and get the Secret Vampire Council to kill him!
Luckily, Alice is good at driving fast sportscars and then they get to Italy in time to stop Edward from breaking the masquerade and sparkling in public. (There was a slight groan from the audience when Edward took his shirt off in time for his sparkling death scene, as his pallid chest wasn’t as well ribbed as old Jacob’s.)
But then, Bella is dragged before the Secret Vampire Council, and OMG, is that Martin Sheen as the head vampire?
Anyway, after some posing and fighting the Secret Vampire Council (that sound English or American rather than Italian, despite Martin giving us a few sentences in Italian) is persuaded not to kill Edward for attempting to sparkle in public and is impressed at Bella’s resistance to their cool powers. Oooh, Bella did something… wait, her passive, mysterious powers did something. Still, she’s getting there. And Secret Vampire Council want Bella to be vampirised. Soon. Alice has a vision of this happening, in a trippy scene where Edward and Bella are skipping happily through a sunlit forest as vampires, as that’s what vampires do, okay? So the Secret Vampire Council let Bella & co go.
So, back to the US, where eventually Edward and Jacob and Bella meet up and Bella tells Jacob that Edward, with his less impressive chest and cold, white complexion, is the man for her. But then Edward throws a spanner in the works by wanting to wait three years before Bella is vampirised. And then he asks her to marry him! OMG! What a cliff hanger!
An amusing and terribly deep film, I’m sure. Three out of five muscular werewolf chests from me.